Hello dear readers! The breakup sometimes resembles a small death. And indeed it is. Couples no longer exist. Therefore, the experiences that arise seem unbearable. There is a need to learn to live differently, without a beloved partner.
Pain after parting always arises, even for the person who decided to leave, left, betrayed and so on. And today I want to share with you information that will help ease the suffering so that you can gradually return to a familiar, joyful life, to yourself and other close people.
Parting with a person who was significant is an inevitable encounter with grief. He has certain stages of living and this is a completely natural process that allows you to recover, to bounce back over time.
To understand what feelings you have to meet, I suggest that you carefully consider these stages:
The first stage is a shock and, accordingly, a denial. In the first minutes after parting, days, or even weeks, it will seem that everything that happened is a dream that will soon end. Thoughts may arise that it’s just someone’s joke or that in the near future everything will form and become as it was. Problems will disappear, or will be resolved on their own.
Anger appears, which is not so easy to control. A lot of anger towards a lost partner and even close people who are trying to support and are close by. A person in this period can blame others, recall situations and words that serve as evidence that they tried to interfere with the relationship. This happens because a huge amount of adrenaline is produced in the body. There is so much pain that only anger can drown out the intensity of the experience. Yes, and the inner picture of the world, which included a loved one - is destroyed. It seems that all life has broken down and there is not enough strength to restore it.
A time of ideas that a relationship can be reversed. Somehow agree, come up with something and so on. Most often, relapse occurs, that is, attempts to talk with a former lover and ask him to try again. A grieving person may give the impression that he is in some kind of delusional state. Since some of his thoughts and ideas do not coincide with reality at all. Or simply are too controversial.
The decline in emotions, a person seems to be resigned to what happened, but at the same time does not experience any desires. He does not want anything, nothing attracts attention. Acts, works and lives, in principle, like a robot. For a moment, it may even seem that he has returned to the previous stages of living grief. But this is not so. Just what was important before was no longer so significant, and new values have not yet been worked out.
You can read about the symptoms of deep depression in one of our articles.
So to speak, completion. In essence, this is a return to oneself and a full life.
So, in order to reach the last, fifth level and enjoy again - it is necessary to complete each of the stages. It happens that a person does not allow himself to suffer, which is why he gets stuck in one phase and “sits” in it for years, constantly encountering failures with every attempt to establish personal life.
What to do?
Meaning, allow yourself to live the gap. If you try to avoid pain, nothing good will come of it. Therefore, if you want to cry - cry and do not think that this is a manifestation of weakness.
Even men are hurt, which is why they have the right to cry. Despite the fact that it is customary to educate the boys, insisting that they restrain themselves. And if you keep the emotions inside - it is fraught with health. A lot of diseases arise precisely for this reason.
If the former partner was dear to you, and after parting, you pretend that you do not care, know that this worked the protective mechanism of the psyche. Despite its usefulness, it is actually doing a “disservice” right now. The crowded out information will try to “break through” in dreams, obsessive thoughts. She will always be with you, as if in the background. And even when you decide on new dates.
So it is better to “suffer” the prescribed period, but to fully integrate the gained experience into the structure of your personality. In order not to make any mistakes already made and not to drag the load of the past with you.
Because, if you think metaphorically, with the help of images, then a person who in every possible way avoids living with mental pain, for example, by devaluing relations or denying their significance, will drag a bag with repressed emotions.
I think you will agree with me that without unnecessary burden, the upcoming path is much easier to overcome. It’s easier to go, you can wrap wherever you want, speed up your step if you wish, dance and so on.
Take care of yourself and your body. In order to restrain emotions, he will leave a lot of resources. It is better to allow yourself to cry, admitting your vulnerability, than to fall into an apathetic state, worrying about where the energy has gone, which is now completely lacking.
Based on the previous recommendation that it is important to throw out feelings, and not to hold inside, it will not be superfluous to listen to your own needs and desires. Here you have to “build up” sensitivity and stay a bit, so to speak, an egoist.
That is, if you want to talk it out, be sure to do it without thinking that a friend or loved one will not be interested. Ask for help and support in advance, stating that it is important for you to “let off steam”. Therefore, you will be grateful if you are simply listened to.
Do it if you understand that you have chaos inside and don’t put it into words. Even if you are not distinguished by artistic abilities, give “internal criticism” a day off and use paints to transfer the state to paper. It will not work right away, but get rid of unconscious experiences.
Start keeping a diary by splashing out on it what is impossible to say out loud. Or if there is no one to share with. Type in a bath or sink of water, lower your head into it and try to scream. You can simply "aah", but you can those words that remained unspoken, not heard. Water will muffle the sound, making it possible for you to scream loudly until you realize that you managed to at least get a little free.
In the end, dance, give the body the opportunity to relieve excess tension. Go in for sports. First, driving, for example, running or swimming, martial arts, and then go to yoga and other practices that allow you to touch yourself and relax.
Any crisis and problems, in addition to heartache and a sense of ruined life, give us opportunities. No matter how ridiculous it may sound.
In any case, the gap has occurred. And now it depends only on you, will it be a point from which you can push off, or vice versa, which interferes and closes the whole way.
In this difficult period, it is time to rethink life, redefine values. Perhaps something is outdated and no longer relevant, but something on the contrary has acquired a new meaning.
This is a very important process. It will allow not only to survive the loss, but also to become more mature, conscious.
Because a person who did not try to analyze what happened, his mistakes, limitations and values - in the future risks getting into the same situation. Only with another partner.
Now it is time to allow yourself something that did not work out while you were with your partner. Or simply did not find time to translate their desires into reality. For example, they wanted to learn how to dance, but there was no time.
Bring changes to life. Fill it with new meanings. Change your image, go to some courses, take a self-development training. Go on a trip or just do a general cleaning in the house, throwing out the unnecessary and unnecessary, freeing up space.
Proceed to this stage only after the successful completion of the previous ones. Because it will be quite difficult to sit on the lessons of cutting and sewing, when a hurricane of emotions is raging inside. Or watch a movie in a movie theater, restraining yourself so that with a large number of strangers do not begin to roar bitterly.
Therefore, search for new activities only when the inside becomes empty and it seems that you are no longer able to rejoice or want something. That is, when the depressive phase occurs during the work of grief.
Although usually the phrase “time heals everything” and is very annoying, it actually reflects reality. You will not suffer forever, until the end of life. Even if it seems now that you will certainly and never will be able to make you happy again.
Time is really necessary. Someone more, someone less. Again, it depends on the significance of the destroyed relationship, the number of years, months spent together.
Even if you feel bad long enough, it means that your psyche is not able to cope as fast as others, as you want. Especially if you interfere with it and create barriers.
Just know - sometime this torment will end. And you will love again if you want and allow.
From time to time, it may seem that life has improved, and then feelings suddenly flood. Particularly acute holidays, some anniversaries. When earlier these days were joint, and now it is necessary to celebrate them differently, without the presence of a former beloved.
This is normal, do not be scared and think that it will always be so. You will learn to live differently.
Refrain from drinking alcohol or even narcotic substances in order to alleviate the condition, "forget". Despite the fact that all evening you will feel happy again, the next day the problems will return. In addition with a hangover. You need not "drown" them, but decide. Otherwise, difficulties will accumulate and at one “fine” moment you will realize that dealing with them is not realistic.
No need to risk your own health and slowly kill him. In modern society, it is difficult to do without alcohol. Holidays and parties, going on a visit and other things can not do without it. Yes and there are practically no people who do not take a drop. Just be honest with yourself and be careful with the tricks.
If this is not your first break, take advantage of the experience already gained. Try to remember what used to help you deal with unbearable pain. What activities and activities gave joy and the feeling that life goes on.
I propose to do a little exercise. Sit comfortably, take a deep breath, exhale slowly through your mouth and close your eyes.
Try to imagine a library inside you. Take a look around. See a lot of books? You need to find the one that is called, say, like this: "How to cope and recover after breaking up." You may have a completely different name. The main thing is the knowledge gained by own experience and recorded in it.
Take this book, take a closer look. What is she like? Shabby or brand new? Small, or vice versa, huge, which is already difficult to hold in your hands?
Now open it and read it. What helped you cope earlier? On what or on whom did they rely and receive support? What activities were distracting and enjoyable? Thanks to what "let off steam"?
Despite conflicting feelings, unbearable pain or anger, try to think about what good and useful things you have learned from these relationships.
Even if you suffered in them, you received something important, just stayed. No matter how the partner seemed heartless and terrible, disappointing you - you chose him. The fact that many did not know about him is a share of your responsibility.
Often we try not to notice something, we close our eyes to disturbing calls. Because then the illusion of a beautiful future will be destroyed. And this is not bad, each of us wants to be happy.
So think about how these relationships have been helpful. What did they give you. What they taught. What was valuable to you in them. If you recognize their significance, you recognize your personality as it is and do not devalue what you had. This period is part of your life. It consists of such pieces, which are not always carefree and “plush”.
People are different, it is important for someone to be in the company, communicate in order to gradually return to normal. And for some, meeting others may be torture.
Only you know what suits you best. Suddenly, it is really worth one time to be alone to indulge in memories. Think about what to do next. Recover and gain strength. Get enough sleep in the end.
Or if you understand that thinking about the past, you will wallow in suffering like in a swamp, then it is better to enlist the support of friends or family members and go shopping, exhibitions, cinemas and more.
Try focusing your attention on workflows. In the future, this will bring you good dividends. But in no case do not abandon or devalue it. As they say: “to break - not to build”, to build an image is not easy. And if you lose customers, lose the trust of your bosses - then you will have to face another crisis.
If necessary, take leave, time off, or even sick leave. Indeed, in fact, your soul is now sick. And you have every right to take a break to treat her.
If, for a number of reasons, you do not have a job, go in for searches. Self-realization will help to bounce back, increase self-esteem and, in general, morale. Even if you do not need it, if, for example, there are passive sources of income, think about how you can come in handy in this world? What can you do to understand that you have found yourself?
For example, by helping those in need, you will receive recognition and gratitude. And awareness of their significance, their place in this world is a great cure.
Most importantly, in no case do not succumb to pessimism. If you notice thoughts that you will now never love anyone or be happy - chase them away. And especially the idea of suicide.
Life is complicated but beautiful. Provided if you notice this beauty. And it depends only on you how it will be filled. What events, meetings, acquaintances.
Believe me, over time you will feel better. And now it is necessary to come to terms with the fact that some period will not be easy. Which is sure to end.
With a cold, few people begin to think that they will now forever remain with a runny nose and cough. Usually a person understands that for a week they will have to “fall out” and cancel plans, lying in bed. The gap and its attendant feelings can also be attributed to the disease. So why not arrange the conditions for recovery, as is the case with the common cold?
How long this condition will last depends on you and the significance of the person who was lost. From readiness to face face-to-face experiences that are quite difficult and frightening moments. The more actively they are ignored and depreciated, the longer they linger, preventing them from living fully, breathing fully.
Usually it lasts from a few weeks to three months. Once every six months, “breakdowns” may occur, but with time they will disappear.
But do not give up. Just be patient and you will be able to cope with all the troubles. If you understand that it does not work out on your own, seek help from a specialist. Together it will be easier to find solutions to how to get rid of torment.
We also recommend you an article on what to do when you don’t know how to live and what to do in general?
Take care of yourself and be happy!
Material prepared by psychologist, gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina