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The child saw the parents' sex

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Sooner or later, this happens to most people: we accidentally catch our parents for sex. You wake up in the middle of the night from strange sounds and suddenly you realize that your parents are having sex! It may also happen that you returned home earlier than they expected, and accidentally interrupted your parents "in the most interesting place." You certainly have not encountered such a situation before, and absolutely do not want to see them in this position. Well, you can’t avoid what you’ve seen and heard, but there’s a way out - you can just put up with this situation and move on.

The child witnessed the sex of his parents. Is it bad or very bad?

In general, the opinion of psychologists about the imprint on the child that he saw the sex of his parents is not entirely clear. Some adhere to the theory that this is a huge psychological trauma, and that even if it did not immediately appear in the child’s behavior, it was still deeply saddened in the subconscious, and one way or another will manifest itself later. Perhaps it will be some kind of sexual complexes or disorders, or simply complex relationships with the opposite sex.

The opinion is different: observing parental sex is a completely fixable nuisance and fears of psychological trauma are clearly exaggerated - quarrels between parents traumatize the child much more strongly. Therefore, first of all, you need to take care of the psychological comfort in the home: in a family where there is openness and trust, the child will understand some unexpected details of family life with understanding.

There is an alternative opinion that observing parents during intimate contact may be useful for the child. In particular, Jean Ledloff, the American psychotherapist who spent 2.5 years in the tribes of the Indians, where she studied their harmonious life, expresses this opinion. In Indian tribes, the presence of a child when parents make love is taken for granted: “it is likely that, not being present during the sex of the parents, the child loses an important psychobiological connection with them that he seeks to find again. This desire later turns into the Oedipus or Electra complex - a suppressed feeling of guilt over the desire to have sex with a parent of the opposite sex, while the child needed only a passive role as an observer. ”

Nevertheless, in modern society, children are protected from such an experience, preferring to acquaint themselves with sexual life only theoretically. Therefore, if suddenly a child suddenly finds parents making love, this becomes a rather delicate situation for parents.

What is the reaction of the child?

At different ages, the reaction of the child in case he saw parents having sex will be different. The age framework, of course, is rather arbitrary, especially regarding the youngest children - it all depends on the individual characteristics of the child, on his psyche, etc.

0-12 months. The first year of life can be described as "the child still does not understand anything." This, of course, is not entirely true: the child knows his parents, recognizes both father and mother, he is scared by loud and unusual sounds. Of course, it’s rare for anyone to think of having sex with a child playing, but a baby’s dream is still more suitable for this. If the child suddenly wakes up and finds adults behind a quiet (without loud noise) intimate affection, he will observe with interest. Another reaction is crying, but not from the fact that the child saw "something", but from the fact that they forgot him, they do not pay attention to him, he is bored, he wants to hold his hands on his mother, and his mother is busy with his father ... In this case you need to pick up the child in time, shake, give the chest, distract with a toy - the baby will quickly rest. At such an age, a high-profile quarrel, a scandal can frighten a child much more than a peaceful “fulfillment of conjugal duty”.

1-7 years old. Children still do not understand what sex is. Perhaps you have already introduced children to gender differences and have repeatedly told you where the children come from. At some theoretical level, children know something, but psychologically they are not ready for understanding. Therefore, seeing the sex of their parents, they understand what they saw in their own way. The reaction of children at this age can be fright, stress, mental disorder. Someone, seeing the sex of their parents, perceives it as if dad offends mom, later on the child has a fear of losing his mother or protecting her from his father. Immediately in the acute moment, the child can attack the parents and try to separate them. Some children, experiencing what they see, become isolated in themselves. Someone begins to behave provocatively, triple tantrums.

8-14 years old. There comes an adequate understanding of what sex is. Children feel all the ticklishness or forbiddenness of the topic. Of course, in recent years, the topics of sex have been presented as quite ordinary: you have to talk openly, frankly, calmly, honestly with your child about this. But not all parents can overcome their embarrassment (after all, they were brought up differently), and their peers sometimes throw up “food for thought”, therefore, in the child’s head in connection with this topic there is simply a lot of emotions and thoughts. At this age, the child can already suppress his emotions (fear, fear, a desire to cry out loud), so he can observe (eavesdrop) his parents for a long time without being noticed. Such observations can excite the child, the child may begin to masturbate, you may want to be in the place of one of the parents. However, then it causes the child a sense of guilt, shame, awkwardness. There may also be a feeling of indignation or disgust that parents do IT.

14-18 years old. At this age, not only a full understanding of what sex is, but also psychologically, children are ready to perceive normally the idea that parents are engaged in "this." Some teenagers are already gaining their sexual experience, sharing with peers. Teenagers realize that sex is a normal part of any family life, where people love each other. Therefore, adult children will no longer burst into the parents' bedroom, knowing that this is the personal space of mom and dad. Thus, the probability of being taken by surprise by children is already small. And even if this happens, it is unlikely that anyone will be very shocked or get psychological trauma. Most likely, the child will feel embarrassed, embarrassed by what appeared at the wrong time.

“... I remember from childhood parental oohs and aahs, by the way, it really scared me, I thought it was bad for mom, I was 2.5-3 years old”

“And I have memories as parents, thinking that I am sleeping, puffed on each other. Still an unpleasant aftertaste in the shower. All our problem complexes come from childhood. ”

“I, when I was already 10 years old, probably first saw my mother naked changing clothes in front of my father - not sex between them, but just my mother dressed for work and was naked and my father saw it. This was stress for me - I could not believe that mom is not shy about dad and can walk in front of him naked. And all because, never in my life have my parents and my sister even given a hint of sex between them - there is no sex in the USSR ”

“My husband told me that he made his parents move“ under the covers ”a couple of times. He was 10-12 years old. And you know, he did not become a maniac, but a normal man, with a normal psyche ”

How to "encrypt" from children's eyes?

Yes, the appearance of the baby introduces its own “rules of the game”, it is no longer always possible to afford spontaneity and improvisation - after all, an awake child sometimes simply follows his parents on his heels. Yes, and the sleeping baby does not give the opportunity to completely relax, since at any time it can wake up.

What precautions should be followed so as not to be taken by surprise.

* Connect grandmothers to walks with children, leave children to stay with grandmothers.

+ you can do whatever you want! no one will see or hear anything.

- You need grandmothers who want to spend time with their grandchildren.

* Transfer sex as far as possible from a sleeping child: go to another room, kitchen, bath. Even if the apartment is a one-room studio, you can delimit the space by zoning (screens, partitions, shelving, curtains).

- you need to wait until the child falls asleep,

+ the risk of being caught is small: while the child "coughs up" and wakes up while stomping toward you - you can already hear him and have time to pretend that nothing is happening.

* Be careful with sleeping together when the child and parents sleep in the same bed. It is necessary to clearly distinguish between a bed for sleep and a marital bed. Even if there is such a situation that parents take the child to bed for the night, then for sex in this case you need to arrange some other place - an armchair, sofa, balcony, bathtub.

+ this is an option to maintain a full married life, despite the presence of a sleeping child in the parent's bed,

- if the parents take the child to sleep in their bed, it means that the child is anxious and does not sleep well alone, there is a chance that when the parents leave the bed “according to their business”, the child will wake up.

* Teach children to respect closed doors and personal space. This applies to older children (from 5 years old). To teach children to knock at the entrance to the parent’s bedroom, parents must knock in response when entering the child if his door is closed (this sometimes seems redundant - but if you introduce some rules with a knock, then they should be the same for all family members )

+ a closed door protects the privacy of parents

- the child may forget that you need to knock, and yet he will enter the wrong moment.

* Install latches (locks) in the bedroom and do not forget to use them. True, children have an interest: what is so interesting happens if the parents close so carefully? One must be prepared to answer questions.

+ no one will get in behind a door locked: you can relax and not be afraid to be seen,

- at first, it will be difficult for the child to overcome the desire to definitely get to the parents in the room as soon as the door closes, so he will be pulled to the closed door - perhaps the child will knock insistently on the door or stand quietly under it (then there is a chance of being heard).

* Learning to do everything quietly and imperceptibly: silently and under a blanket — is suitable when the child is very sensitively or restlessly sleeping, and there is no way to go to another room, kitchen, bath (for example, when the family lives with other relatives)

- boring, but we must consider this only as a temporary option,

- not always possible due to the temperament of the spouses,

+ option allows you not to refuse sex only for fear that the child may wake up from noise.

* Revise your attitude to sex: stop perceiving it as a strong passion that you need to immediately satisfy. Plan and find the pros.

- it’s not always possible to plan everything,

+ There is no feeling that the child interferes with the intimate life of parents.

And, of course, we emphasize separately that one should not perceive the danger of being “caught” by a child as some kind of tragedy: you can’t do this, or you will hear, you cannot, or you will see, otherwise you just have to refuse sex for fear of being noticed. Precautions, of course, should be followed, but without unnecessary fears and fears - after all, there is an opinion: what we are so afraid of will happen to us.

“We lived in a one-room apartment until 4.5 years old. They only had sex when the baby is sleeping in his bed. When I got older, then under a blanket or coverlet, so that if I wake up in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t see any details ”

“We have sex when the baby is sleeping, or in another room while the baby is watching cartoons”

“... the elder was asleep when the thought of sex arose at all, if he woke up suddenly, the action ceased and passed to the bathroom”

“At home, when the children are sleeping, when the children are walking with their grandmother, or when the children are visiting their grandmother”

“When the child takes our bed, we leave on the sofa to another room”

“I’ve been doing mine for a year and a half, when she falls asleep, quietly without oh-oh-ahs, we put pillows around her, she sleeps on the sofa, and we on the floor do this. In the future I plan to send my grandmother a couple of times a week to spend the night - the benefit is not far away ”

“... the son is sleeping soundly, well, and besides the room there is also a kitchen and a bathroom”

“The grown up children tend to be absent from home on their own business: kindergarten, school, training, visiting a thread. "

“We go to the kitchen or to the bathroom - rub the back”

The child saw the parents' sex - what to do?

The behaviors of parents in each case are very individual: it all depends on the age of the child, what the child saw, at what moment he entered or woke up. The following points to keep in mind:

* Often the child "reads" the reaction of the parents: if the parents themselves were afraid of the situation, then the child may be afraid. Therefore, it is first of all necessary for parents to pull themselves together, show calmness and goodwill.

* The child understands everything in his own way: it won’t occur to him that his parents are doing something “like that,” perhaps he will think that dad offends his mother.

* There is nothing “deadly scary” if the child saw the parents' sex, this situation is, of course, especially delicate, but quite solvable and fixable.

Situation 1. The child saw a prelude

What to do: distract the child, say that mom and dad just hug and kiss, say that people do this when they love each other, hug, kiss the child, demonstrate that you also love him. As a rule, mom and dad are hugging and kissing with children, so the child will not have any worries about what he sees, except perhaps the questions - why are parents not “in their pajamas”? It is not difficult to find an answer to this question for any parent (it was hot, they changed clothes, well, or they wanted to cuddle without clothes - adults sometimes do this - they like it).

Situation 2. The child found his parents in the midst of events

What to do: first of all, you need to throw clothes on yourself, approach the child. It is necessary to understand the reaction of the child and act in accordance with this. Perhaps the child didn’t understand anything, then it’s logical to pretend that there was nothing and spend the child sleeping. If the baby is scared or crying, then you need to hug him first, calm him down, perhaps distract him with some kind of game. Then, in accordance with age and your imagination, dispel the fears of the child,

- everything is fine, mom and dad love each other so much,

- Mom and Dad played like that, but this game is only for adults,

- parents danced like that

- parents did exercises for adults,

- this is such a special type of massage for adults,

- Mom and Dad made a brother or sister.

In such a situation, you can’t scold the child, drive him out of the room, shout that he is small and it doesn’t concern him, don’t panic and behave like criminals caught at the crime scene - this will emphasize that the child saw something bad, reinforce the fear and shame of the child.

Also, do not say something like “you grow up - you will know everything”, as understatement gives rise to curiosity, and the child will think through himself, and this is fraught with children's fears and anxieties. A friendly and calm tone is the key to the calmness of the child. It is also desirable that both parents take part in the conversation with the child, as the baby might think that the silent parent is angry with him.

In the process of resolving the delicate situation, one must also remember to ask the child: why did he wake up and come to his parents? Perhaps he is thirsty, in the toilet, or he had a terrible dream.

Situation 3. The child saw “something” (candid poses, role-playing games)

What to do: first of all, to distract the child, explain that everything is fine, that is, take the measures proposed in the previous paragraph. If the child was greatly shocked by what he saw, then you can contact a psychologist. A specialist will diagnose and determine if the child has a psychological trauma. And he will also give recommendations on how to behave further with the child, perhaps he will offer some games through which the situation will be worked out. It may be necessary to consult a psychologist for the parents themselves, as they sometimes worry about what happened no less than the child, and the children are very sensitive to the anxieties of their parents.

Situation 6: the child saw the sex of one of the parents not with the spouse (with a lover)

What to do: this is the most sad situation, because everything else the child has also witnessed treason. And if in previous situations (in the case of sex between parents) the child could be reassured by the fact that parents love each other so much, then in this case there is a clear discrepancy: if a mother and this uncle love each other, then what about dad? Yes, I must admit that in this situation, it is impossible to give the child any explanation that he would have believed unconditionally, calmed down and let go of the situation. В любом случае у ребенка в душе останется тревога, обида, чувство недосказанности, дети хорошо чувствуют предательство, обман.

Бережёного Бог бережёт!

Секс – неотъемлемая часть супружеской жизни, однако, это действие предназначено только для двоих – для мужчины и женщины. The third person, whether it be a completely incomprehensible kid or teenager with a mature psyche, as they say, is superfluous. Therefore, it is worth taking all measures so as not to be taken by surprise!

But even if this happened, it should be remembered that everything is fixable: everything can be explained to the child in a language that he understands. And if the child is shocked at the first moment, the truth and the trusting relationship of the parents will help resolve the situation. Therefore, protecting the child from contemplation of parents' sex, do not forget about his sexual education. You may be interested in articles on this topic.

Online Moms Experience

“... I remember from childhood parental oohs and aahs, by the way, it really scared me, I thought it was bad for mom, I was 2.5-3 years old”

“And I have memories as parents, thinking that I am sleeping, puffed on each other. Still an unpleasant aftertaste in the shower. All our problem complexes come from childhood. ”

“I, when I was already 10 years old, probably first saw my mother naked changing clothes in front of my father - not sex between them, but just my mother dressed for work and was naked and my father saw it. This was stress for me - I could not believe that mom is not shy about dad and can walk in front of him naked. And all because, never in my life have my parents and my sister even given a hint of sex between them - there is no sex in the USSR ”

“My husband told me that he made his parents move“ under the covers ”a couple of times. He was 10-12 years old. And you know, he did not become a maniac, but a normal man, with a normal psyche ”